For years, famed writer and thinker Deepak Chopra has peddled his own unique brand of nonsensical pulp profundity to anyone willing to listen–and pay.
While his preachings have made him a global celebrity with a net worth of $80 million, he has been widely criticized for thoroughly misunderstanding science and for making absolutely no fucking sense to anyone with a rudimentary understanding of physics.
After skimming some of his books and articles, it occurred to me that his writing style is basically just one part sciency sounding buzz words and one part something you would read in a Harry Potter novel. I felt that by following a simple algorithm of combining mystical and pseudo-scientific phrases, anyone could write just like esteemed author and thinker Deepak Chopra.
Thankfully, because some beautiful soul created a Deepak Chopra quote generator, now anyone can! The generator takes things Chopra has actually said, randomizes them, and spits out a unique, Chopra-esque slice of ‘enigmatic wisdom’.
Flipping through these fictitious quotes, I was left with the distinct impression that one could put these randomly generated phrases next to a picture of Chopra online and his followers would unwittingly share them. While this would be hilarious, it would also probably be a bit unethical.
So instead of actively participating in the spreading of misinformation (or non-information) like Chopra, I decided to make a game out of it instead.
Below I have listed seven Chopra quotes and seven randomly generated quotes. I have left it up to the reader to determine which were said by the New York Times’ bestselling author, and which my laptop spit out at 2 a.m. while I was bored and drinking heavily.
All real Deepak quotes are from Goodreads.com–all meaningless gibberish also from Chopra.
- A) “Awareness undertakes immortal choices.”
B) “What you call a person actually is a pattern of behavior of a universal consciousness.”
- A) “Your movement explains a symphony of creativity.”
B) “In the midst of movement and chaos, keep stillness inside of you.”
- A) “You will be transformed by what you read.”
B) “Hidden meaning illuminates incredible possibilities.”
- A) “Bad sex is about blocked emotions.”
B) “Your heart can comprehend unparalleled love.”
- A) “Don’t try to steer the river.”
B) “Our world is rooted in intricate experiences.”
- A) “The unpredictable manifests itself as descriptions of secret knowledge.”
B) “People are doing the best that they can from their own level of consciousness.”
- A) “Our thought, that is to say freedom, can help us transcend unique boundaries.”
B) “Molecules that lack intelligence produce it when combined in various ways.”
- B. Chopra actually said this. While we may never know why, let alone what the hell he actually meant by it, we can still marvel at the strange absurdity of it–like watching a David Lynch movie or reading Samuel Beckett while choking yourself.
- B again. Sorry for the repetition, I’m using a random computer generator to determine whether A or B will be the Chopra quote.
- A. If you had to Google it to figure it out, that doesn’t count. Shame on you.
- A. To be honest, I wouldn’t want to take any of Chopra’s sex advice into the bedroom, for the same reasons I wouldn’t want to take any of his scientific ideas into a laboratory: it probably wouldn’t work and I’d get laughed at.
- A. I promise I didn’t chop this quote off or do anything dishonest to it. That’s actually how it’s quoted on Good Reads and other sites.
- I’m going to be honest, I forgot to mark which one was the real Chopra quote, and I don’t have a clue. My guess is probably A.
Be sure to tweet your score @DeepakChopra–80 million bucks and he still spams critics on Twitter with snide comments and links to his books on Amazon.